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Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
my one true gender
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.