INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
You Might Also Like
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?