Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
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do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
What if the weather talks about us?
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
The days of good grammer has went
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!