Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
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If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
they should invent a rest for the wicked
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it