Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
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If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials