I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
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*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Shark week, but for squirrels.