if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
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Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.