If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
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Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”