I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
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“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV