For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
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One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.