Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
You Might Also Like
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
good morning
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched