Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
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Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene