“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
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My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
how long have you had this for?