If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
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Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
when someone rings the doorbell
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I have a new favorite meme page
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
God, I love Scotland
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet