You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
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[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.