Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.