Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
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Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day