“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
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I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.