Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
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Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?