Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
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[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers