My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
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“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
this is the most humiliating day of my life
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be