salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
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Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
dam girl
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.