They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
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Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Free him
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.