There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
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Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
crazy
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Teach your children to beatbox
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
When someone trying to leave me