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My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal