I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
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Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
She was rare, like a goth jogging
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.