I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
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So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
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Me: Same
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too