Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
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[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.