Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
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Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.