Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
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*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Life cycle of cat
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.