[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
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Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I would move hell over six inches for you
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY