Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
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Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
No Google it does not
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!