Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
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H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.