HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
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[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.