I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”