My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
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My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Waiting for the Charmin
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
i love modern commerce
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.