Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
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Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross