Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
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*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
going to the ER y’all need anything
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
How about daylight saves us for once
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister