“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Personal question. #JustSaying
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what