I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
You Might Also Like
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.