Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
How can I say no to this ?
it was a valiant fight
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train