Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
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I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.