At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo