Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
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[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’