Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
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I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.