Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
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And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
This made me smile…
Me when my alarm goes off
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.