HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
You Might Also Like
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Just this preview of the story is enough
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
monday
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.