Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
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Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
seems fine
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.