My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
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6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.