My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
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[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*